All through her growing up years, Kaitlin Anderlane had a difficult relationship with food. Her nutritionist put her on a diet at a very young age: “I was taught to read labels and look out for calories. For me, food was never just food; it was the numbers associated with it. There was so much shame around food that it left me feeling defeated,” she explains. The thirty-year-old was bullied for her body by her classmates back in school. She frequently compared herself to other girls in her class. “I blamed the fact that my body was not the same size as some of my friends,” she says.
Kaitlin’s behaviour around food became worse when she began bingeing and purging. She describes: “I did not see anything wrong with making myself throw up after eating. I did not see anything wrong with not eating. I felt like that was just what I was supposed to do.”
Ms Anderlane underwent weight loss surgery when she was just 22 and had 80% of her stomach removed. Weight loss surgery is sometimes used as a treatment for those who are very obese. It is a complicated surgery, and in most cases, it should be considered only after attempting to lose weight through a healthy diet and training. Kaitlin decided to go down this route because her strict diet and exercise schedule was not working for her.
“After my weight loss surgery, I remember how great it felt to be showered with compliments. I felt as if I was finally visible to my friends and family,” she recalls.
However, Kaitlin started seeing a nutritionist when she noticed that she was gaining weight after a few months of surgery. She recollects, “I remember how the compliments stopped. The silence was making me miserable, and it was painful.”
Nevertheless, fate had other plans for her. The nutritionist diagnosed her with bulimia nervosa. “I thought she was absolutely wrong, and I questioned her education,” said Ms Anderlane. “It was tough for me to accept my diagnosis. I was resistant even though I knew that it was accurate.” Bulimia nervosa is a mental health condition in which a person loses control over what they eat and then resorts to desperate measures to avoid gaining weight. Anorexia nervosa is another type of eating disorder where an individual tries to control weight by not eating enough and exercising too much. Professionals believe that eating disorders are developed to cope with unpleasant, overpowering emotions and stressful situations. Researchers discovered that eating disorders appear to be passed on from generation to generation, and they conclude that genetics plays a significant role.
“Anorexia and Bulimia are conditions where you can not ask someone to stop,” says Deanne Jade, a psychologist and founder of the National Centre of Eating Disorder and fellow of the Royal Society of Medicine. “Anorexia has never really been about desiring to be slim; it is about much greater difficulties such as coping with life and relationships. People with anorexia have very low self-esteem and are extremely sensitive. They cultivate a feeling where they believe that they do not deserve to be alive,” she explains. For over 30 years, Deanne has specialised in the treatment of eating disorders and obesity. She believes that people with bulimia feel a profound sense of relief when they get to purge and get rid of the food. “It becomes a way to manage your emotions, and that is why people find it very difficult to stop,” she said.
According to the National Eating Disorder Association, at least 70 million people live with eating disorders. The condition can occur at any age and to anyone. Ms Jade said: “Bulimia is an addictive kind of disorder, and it starts as a method of controlling weight, but it shifts into a method of managing emotions.”
Through recovery, Kaitlin found peace and she began to shift her focus on things that made her happy: her relationship, work, and mindset. She says: “I now not only acknowledge my eating disorder, but I also have compassion for myself about it. “It took me many years to get there, and now I would say I hold almost no shame about my eating disorder, and I am very open about it,” she emphasises.
When the Covid-19 health crisis swept from country to country, fears around grocery store shortages re-triggered Kaitlin’s disordered eating. Her anxiety went into overdrive. Unexpected loneliness, mounting worries about the unfolding pandemic, and a new lack of boundaries between work and home left her feeling overwhelmed.
Leading into the pandemic, the 30-year-old felt lost and alarmed but found hope through counselling. “In the beginning, it was difficult. If I were not in my recovery from bulimia nervosa, then I would have been confined with my eating disorder,” said Ms Anderlane.
“Sometimes I forgot to eat, and other times I found myself snacking on food after every hour,” she said. “Counselling gave me an outlet to talk to someone when I felt like I did not have control.”
Doctors, therapists, and dietitians who treat eating disorders, such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder, report a tsunami of cases. An online survey was sent out to people in the United States and the Netherlands to analyse the impact of the Covid-19 pandemic on people with eating disorders. The report was published by the International Journal of Eating Disorder revealed that participants with anorexia reported increased food restriction. Meanwhile, individuals with bulimia reported increases in their urges to binge. People with a history of eating disorders also expressed fears regarding relapse as a result of Covid-19 conditions.
“My clients are worried about gaining weight and developing unhealthy eating habits,” said Elena Kunicki, a registered women health dietician in Queens, New York. Elena provides nutritional counselling to women with an eating disorder. She observed that many of her clients are feeling apprehensive while under lockdown.
For five years, Elena herself struggled with bingeing and anxiety around food. Her eating disorder began when she was a high school student, and she felt like she did not fit in her group of friends because of her weight. “I got into fitness and started restricting my food,” said Elena. After following strenuous workouts and crazy diets, she lost her periods, “Everyone thought I was healthy because I was eating a lot of vegetables and fruits, but I could sense anger and frustration building up,” she said.
The 26-year-old believes that her journey to recovery commenced after accepting that she did have a problem with food. “I was constantly trying to be in a calorie deficit or try a new diet. I was constantly trying to control my weight. I finally came to terms with the fact that for me to stop bingeing and get my period back, I probably had to stop trying to diet all the time and let my body gain weight,” she describes.
Ms Kunicki advises people with eating disorders not to worry about gaining weight during the lockdown; instead, they should mend their relationship with food. She said: “Do not take this time to follow restrictions, which enhances eating disorders. Take this time to let go of conditions because you usually need more food and rest when recovering from an eating disorder.”
While Elena Kunicki assists other people to overcome their eating disorders, Kaitlin Anderlane strives to find her peace with food. “I do still have days that I struggle, but I believe I have found my freedom around food,” said Kaitlin. She never thought recovery would be possible, and her dietician told her that therapy might take years. Kaitlin explains: “Now I get to enjoy my food, and I no longer have any remorse about what I eat or what my body looks like.”
Finding a supportive life companion seems to have worked wonders for Kaitlin. Happily married to her husband of ten years, the couple is expecting a baby boy in August. “My husband is very much on the same page as me, and we both are very committed to and mindful of how we are going to talk about food. I know my home is not going to be the one where we talk negatively about our bodies,” she said. Kaitlin could not control the things that people told her about her body but yearns to protect her child, “The world might not always be the safest, but if I can make it a safe place for his (baby boy) body and food in my house, then that is what I am going to do,” she said.
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